Having a random hookup so left but love u
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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