i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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