boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
