Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
