You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
