And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
