Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
