I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
