she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
