Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
