remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
