What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
