Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
