I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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