God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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