somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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