Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
