M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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