I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
