If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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