Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
