My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
