Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
