My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
