wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
