I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
