why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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