my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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