i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
