i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
