i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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