Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
