I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
