I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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