My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
