Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
