he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
