Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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