STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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