how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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