So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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