i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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