i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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