Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
