so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just invented taco cereal.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
