my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
