I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
