for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
