Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
