Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was confusing and full of hummus
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
