Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
