ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
