You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Randomize
