It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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