my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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